Slither: The Parody!
by Jason Gaston
Summary: A parody that pokes fun at the episode, "Slither"


Slither: The Parody 

Slither  
The Parody

__

Here's my next attempt to make the last few episodes of the third season of Sliders look even more ridiculous. Slither: The Parody was extremely difficult to write because "Slither" was pretty much a parody in itself. As always, Sliders is property of Universal/Saint Claire and the Sci-Fi Channel... although we can all thank the hard working but soft thinking boobs at FOX for this gem. 

Slither the Parody is based on the episode "Slither" written by Tony Blake and Paul Jackson. I've received no monetary compensation for this and I haven't got paid for it either. 

Rated PG-13 for sexually suggestive dialogue In other words, this is rated TV-M for: Maggie acts like a slut and Quinn thinks with his wee-wee. 

ENJOY!

* * *

"Boy this vacation has sucked!" Rembrandt whined to Quinn at the terminal of an airport. "I thought a trip to a drug producing third world nation was going to be relaxing. How wrong and foolish I was." 

"I got some bad news," Quinn answered not really disagreeing with Remmy's first statement. "We got bumped. It seems that the American Airlines flight we were scheduled to get on was canceled. Apparently, the captain had one too many and passed out in the bar." 

"Oh great!" Rembrandt exclaimed. "Now how are we supposed to meet up with Wade and Maggie back in San Francisco?" 

"Wade and who?" 

"Maggie." 

Quinn looked confused. 

"Maggie!" Rembrandt said again cupping his hands and holding them in front of his chest to simulate large breasts. 

Quinn shook his head. "Who...?" 

"The bitch, Quinn!" 

"Oh her!" Quinn said snapping his fingers. "Well, don't worry. I'll figure out a way to get us to San Francisco before the timer expires. Sure, I could wait for the timer to expire and have Wade and Maggie come back for us as soon as the next slide is over thanks to out new ability to go back to worlds we already slid to and thereby nullifying the strong possibility that we may run into trouble somewhere down the road as we try to reunite, but hey! It'd be a dull episode otherwise." 

"Compared to what?" Rembrandt muttered. 

"Hmmm?" Quinn asked. 

"Oh, nothing," Rembrandt answered. "Look, there's an airplane out there on the runway. Let's see if they'll give us a ride." 

Quinn and Rembrandt made there way to the rickety old plane where a nice looking and shapely woman (who is NOT Maggie) was busy loading crates and boxes. 

"Excuse me," Quinn said putting on his cutsy face. "But we heard you were going to San Francisco. Well, we need to go there to so we can meet our friends and sli... uh... I mean, go out for pizza. Can we catch a ride with you?" 

"I'm sorry, but I can't help you." The woman answered. "I don't even know you." 

"I'm Quinn Mallory and this is Rembrandt Brown." 

"Oh," the woman said. "I'm Chicka. Chicka DaWeek." 

"So can we get on the plane or not?" Rembandt asked. 

"Not," Chicka replied. "Look, you're cute and all..." 

"Thank you!" Rembrandt said smiling. 

"Not you!" Chicka said wrinkling her nose. "I'm taking about Quinn! Anyways, I can't give you a lift because this is my boss's plane and he doesn't like it when I give stranded and desperate people a ride by putting them in this ridiculously oversized and under-stocked plane. You understand... don't you?" 

Before Quinn could respond, gunfire exploded. A jeep carrying several soldiers veered around the corner and charged straight at them. "Do you have anything to declare?" one of the soldiers shouted. 

"Oh no!" Chicka squeaked. "They found me. I don't know how, but they found me! Run for it Marty!" 

"Do you have anything to declare!?" the soldiers in the Jeep shouted again. 

The plane started down the runway because Chicka left the brake off and she, Quinn and Rembrandt had to make a mad dash for the aircraft before it took off into the air. 

"DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO DECLARE!?!?!?!" The soldiers screamed on last time as the plane soared away. 

As soon as Quinn, Remmy, and Chicka were safe and sound, Quinn opened a box and pulled out a large yellow snake. "What's this for?" 

Chick snatched the deadly reptile from him and was barley able to be it back into it's box before it could wrap itself around her and squeeze her to death. "It's a triader," she explained between gasps. "It's like a python... only it's a lot more rare. Actually, they're albino pythons. The people in special effects have them on loan from a zoo because these puppets that they made for the rest of the show look really really bad because we blew the entire budget on that runway chase." 

"That's a little more than I wanted to know," Remmy mumbled. 

"So," Quinn said amongst his raging hormones. "What exactly do you need tricycles for?" 

"Triaders," Chicka corrected him. "Their venom can be used to make a drug that can fight Parkinson's disease and wake people up to the stupidity of the macerana." 

"What a noble cause," Quinn said, his brain in luvy dubby land. 

"Hey, that was some pretty fancy flying back there," Rembrandt said trying to change the subject. "You think maybe we can thank the pilot for being so brave and saving us from certain death?" 

Chicka looked at his quizzically and then with a look of alarm her face went white. "Pilot? Damn, I knew I forgot something." 

Before the plane had a chance to crash and further expand the budget on an otherwise dull and undeserving episode, we go to San Francisco where Wade and Maggie are concerned about Quinn and Rembrandt. 

"I'm concerned about Quinn and Rembrandt!" Wade said. "The plane they were supposed to be on didn't arrive. What should we do?" 

"We'll charter a plane and go find them," Maggie suggested leading her to a hanger where a greasy mechanic worked alone. "We need you're plane." Maggie stated. 

"Okay, but first you're going to have to do something for me," the mechanic replied. 

Maggie eyed him lustfully and led him to an office where she drew the blinds. Wade waited patiently through the screams, wails, and whip cracks until Maggie emerged (hair slightly mussed) with the mechanic (smiling maniacally). 

"Can we have you're plane now?" Wade asked. 

The mechanic shrugged and walked away, "Ain't my plane. Hell, I don't even own a plane." 

"Excuse me," a man in a suit asked. "What are you girls doing around my plane?" 

"Uh... we need this plane to fly us to Delgado," Maggie explained. 

"Okay...," the man in the suit said grinning. "But first you have to do something for me." 

Maggie rolled her eyes and started uncurling a whip. "This won't take long," she said to Wade as she and the man went into the office. 

Meanwhile, in the wreckage of the crashed plane, Quinn, Rembrandt, and Chicka were addressing a new problem. 

"Oh no!" Chicka exclaimed. "One of the triaders has escaped!" 

"So?" Rembrandt asked. 

"No, you don't understand! I have to get this other Triader back to America! It's very valuable!" Chicka said caressing Quinn's knee. "And if someone were to find them I would be grateful...," she did this wild thing with her tongue that I can't even begin to describe. "VERY grateful." 

"Come on, Rembrandt! Let's lug this snake back to the states!" Quinn said taking the triader box over his shoulder and marching mindlessly into the jungle. Rembrandt and Chicka sat there for a few minutes waiting for Quinn to realize he was walking the wrong way. 

A few hours later, Wade and Maggie crash... uh, I mean land in Delgado - smack in the middle of drug country looking for their buddies. In the airport, they meet a handsome young man. "Hi, my name is Hunky. Hunky Brewster." 

"Maggie Beckett (no relation)," Maggie said pushing Wade out of the way and eyeing Hunky lustfully. 

"Look," Hunky said, "even though we are total strangers and all I was wondering if you would help me find my friend, she was on a charter flight that crashed somewhere out in the jungle. According to reports, she was with the guy from Joe's Apartment and the guy that used to be on that lame FOX sit-com about the survivors after a nuclear war." 

"I don't know anyone like that," Maggie hissed as he rubbed her hands up and down Hunky's chest. 

"That sounds like Quinn and Rembrandt!" Wade exclaimed. 

Maggie was tousling Hunky's hair. "Huh? Who? Oh! Yeah! Listen, Hunky... maybe we can hump... uh, I mean help each other. Together, I'm sure we can have sex... uh, I mean success in finding our friends. Then maybe later, we can go to a bar and have a sex on a beach." 

"The drink?" Hunky asked smiling. 

Maggie raised an eyebrow, "What drink?" 

Back in the jungle, Quinn, Remmy, and Chicka accidentally stumbled onto a tabacco field. 

"Oh no!" Chicka exclaimed. "Tabacco is illegal here! If the cartels catch us they'll kill us or worse!" 

"Wow, tabacco is illegal here? What a cool world," Quinn said in admiration. 

"Yeah," Rembrandt agreed. "It's a shame it can't be that way on out world because tabacco is bad." 

"Remember kids, smoking is not cool!" all three of them said in unison. 

Up in a lookout tower, a guard reported to the cartel boss. "_Señor_, der appears to be a group of peoples out in de fields doing a public service announcement." 

"Kill dem!" the boss bellowed. "Send out de gunners in de red shirts." 

So, as per the bosses orders, two redshirts beamed down to the planet and were immediately killed by the escaped triader before they could harm a hormonally charged hair on Quinn's head. 

"Look!" Chicka exclaimed. "The snake killed them both!" 

"Yeah," Quinn speculated, "it's as if the escaped snake has been supernaturally drawn to it's mate and has been following us unrelentlessly from the crash site until we release it's love." 

"Well, you don't have to be sarcastic," Rembrandt mumbled. 

A few miles away, Maggie, Wade, and Hunky's truck overheated and Maggie (who was overheating herself due to her predatory advances on Hunky) decided to take the opportunity to drench herself with water from a nearby river. As the water dripped down her neck and down her shirt, she happened to look up in time to see a boat pass by loaded with young people and someone who looked remarkably like Ice Cube. Maggie watched the boat drift out of sight and wondered why she had the strangest feeling that she belonged on it. 

Maggie's attention was distracted by Hunky as he walked over to her. "Want some?" she said in a deep breathy voice as she rubbed her chest down with water. 

"Water?" Hunky asked. 

Maggie looked at the river. "Yes, I know." 

Hunky then drew a gun and shot a snake (possibly an anaconda) before it could strike at Maggie. 

Wade ran over to them. When she saw Maggie was still alive, her disappointment was more than evident. "Aw shucks, you missed!" 

"I don't trust this guy," Wade said after Hunky left. 

Maggie huffed. "Wade, he saved my life!" 

"So he's not very smart either!" Wade exclaimed. 

Meanwhile, Quinn, Remmy, and snake-girl arrive in a backwards village of natives who fear and loath the triader snake. 

"We fear and loathe the triader snake!" one of the natives said. "Get it out of here before it brings the dark angel of death!" 

"Oh, so I see you know Maggie as well," Rembrandt said. 

The native glared at him and pointed out of the town. "Get out, you actors in a formerly cool but now lame sci-fi TV show and take that slithering blood sucker with you!" 

"Okay fine!" Quinn yelled taking the chick of the week by the hand and walking away leaving Rembrandt with the snake. 

"He meant the snake, Quinn!" Rembrandt yelled. 

Meanwhile, as night fell on the jungle, Wade interrupted Hunky and Maggie before they could do the horizontal bop. Hunky went to go sleep in the truck while the two women confronted each other. 

"Look," Wade hissed. "You're going to screw all this up by boinking Jack the Ripper over there. I mean, let's think about this for a second... okay? You are a widow! Do you know what that means?" 

Maggie thought about that for a second. "I'm an opening in the side of a house you hang curtains on?" 

Wade slapped Maggie across the face trying to shock her brain into working. "Not a window, you brainless bimbo! A widow! Your husband died a few episodes ago and now here you are ready to jump into the sack with the not-yet-revealed-but-painfully-obvious villain of the story!" 

"You're awfully on edge," Maggie said. 

"No kidding," Wade answered. "Good night, Maggie." 

"You know it wouldn't hurt you to have a fling every now and then." 

"I don't want to hear it, Maggie." 

"It'll help you relax." 

"Shut up Maggie." 

"Have you ever heard of a _menage a troi_?" 

"SHUT UP MAGGIE!" 

The next day our trio of tireless trekkers (the one's with the annoying snake) happened upon an old deserted and conveniently placed mansion all while the male snake followed them and got a bunch of his snake buddies to do the same, jumping out of the trees every now and then for no expressed purpose but to make Rembrandt pee his pants. 

Inside the mansion, Quinn and Rembrandt were trying to reconnect the power when they made a startling discovery. 

"No wonder the power's not working!" Rembrandt exclaimed. "These snakes have gotten into the walls and removed all of the fuses and cut all of the wiring." 

"That's still not enough to prove these snakes are intelligent and have a vendetta against us," Chicka protested as, unbeknownst to her, a snake slithered by in the background wearing a multi-colored clown wig and a sign reading "John 3:16". 

"Screw the snake!" Rembrandt exclaimed. "Let's just let it go and end this horrible episode!" 

"No! You can't do that!" Chicka cried. "There's too much at stake!" She jumped into Quinn's arms and undulated wildly. "Quinn... honey... baby.... tell him he can't do that!" 

"Er... Uh... He can't do that... I mean... You can't do that, Rembrandt," Quinn stuttered. "The... uh... snakes are too important... or something." 

Chicka smiled and skipped into the next room for to allow yet another pointless established character conflict. 

"Look, man!" Rembrandt started. "You're crazy! This snake is supernatural or something... I don't know about you, but that's bad and I don't like bad things." 

"We must help Chicka DaWeek get this snake back to civilization," Quinn repeated as if he was a robot. "I think that's the best thing we can do." 

"If you ask me, it's not your head that's doing your thinking right now!" Rembrandt steamed as he stomped out of the room. 

"Actually, I am thinking with my head," Quinn said to the camera with a wicked smile. 

Meanwhile, daylight miraculously returns to this episode as Maggie, Wade, and Hunky arrived in the same town that Quinn and the others were thrown out of earlier in this parody. 

"Anybody find it odd that it's daytime again when in the previous scene it was nighttime?" Wade asked. 

Maggie and Hunky ignored her as they skipped off to a nearby motel to "gather supplies." 

"What are you doing here!?" a native demanded of Wade. 

Wade shrugged. "Since 'Electric Acid Twister Test', I've been asking myself the same question." 

"You travel with the devil!" the native warned. 

"Yeah, Maggie's pretty awful ain't she?" 

"Not Maggie! She is what we call, '_La Perra con Piernas Abierto_'. I was talking about the not-yet-established-but-painfully-obvious villain you are traveling with. He is the devil! He is a very very bad man!" 

"So what you're saying is that Hunky is bad and with Maggie alone with him, she stands a good chance of getting killed?" 

The native nodded. 

Wade smiled broadly and began dancing wildly. "YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! CAN YOU FEEL THAT BUDDY? HUH? HUH? HUH?" 

"Hi Wade," Maggie said casually. 

Wade stopped dancing and looked at Maggie perplexed. "Wait just a minute... what are you doing here? Where's Hunky?" 

"Oh...," Maggie said sounding a bit bored. "I don't think we have to worry about Hunky anymore. It will take him at least a day to recover from what I did to him." Maggie raised one leg and stretched it in a way that would severely injure the spine of anyone else. "I put his still quivering body in the truck so that he may be used as a plot device later. 

Wade wisely decided not to inquire further... rather she just nodded and smiled. "Nice work Maggie." 

Meanwhile back in the mansion... in the dark of night... Quinn and Rembrandt are arguing again. 

"Maybe I'm sick of sliding!" Quinn argued as Chicka tickled his chin and purred like a kitten. "Maybe I'm tired of the snakes and the zombies and the vampires and the thing with the thing with the thing! Maybe I want to stay here with Chicka and sell this snake for whatever reason she wants to." 

"Look, man...," Rembrandt said reading dialogue that was obviously re-written Arturo dialogue. "You want to stay here, fine... just give me the timer and I'll leave." 

"But we've previously established that Wade and Maggie had the timer." 

"Don't change the subject!" Rembrandt warned as he stomped out of the room for no apparent reason. 

"Don't listen to him, baby," Chicka purred. 

Quinn sat down on the couch and stuffed a pillow between his legs to muffle the voices. "I hope Wade and what's-her-face gets here soon... I'm the star of this episode and even I'M bored with it!" 

Wade and Maggie soon arrived at the mansion. 

"Don't you think it's odd that it's suddenly nighttime again?" Wade asked. 

"Actually... I think it's odd we knew where this mansion was and that Quinn and Rembrandt are inside," Maggie answered in a rare moment of revelation. 

The two women watched the snakes slither by. I particular, a large black anaconda with red markings with a hippie-shaped lump in it's body. "Something about this seems awfully familiar," Maggie sighed. She then looked down at her watch. "Three... Two... One..." 

As soon as Maggie said "One", Hunky jumped out of the shadows with a gun and... with a noticeable limp and a broad and unremovable smile plastered on his face... motioned for them to go inside the mansion. 

A few seconds later, Hunky, Maggie, and Wade were in the mansion. "Hi, Chicka!" Hunky says holding a gun to her. "I'm going to kill you now because you were going to sell these snakes and cut me out of the deal." He then looked at Wade and Maggie. "Didn't you know I was the not-yet-established-but-painfully-obvious villain of the story?" 

"Yes," Maggie and Wade answered. 

"What's with the limp and the grin?" Chicka asked. 

"Nevermind that," Hunky said pulling in vain on the sides of his face. "Tell me why I shouldn't kill you." 

The theme from Jeopardy played while Chicka DaWeek thought about that. Finally, she said: "Quinn did it!" 

"But I thought you loved me!" Quinn exclaimed more than a little hurt. 

"I never loved you! I'm like the black widow spider baby! I mate then I kill!" 

"So... what you're saying is... I won't be staying here with you and living happily ever after?" Quinn then looked down at his lower torso. "This is what I get for listening to you!" 

"Sorry," a high pitched voice answered. 

Hunky stared at Quinn for a moment shook his head and then looked at Chicka. "Okay, even though you intended to betray me everything, I think I'll let you live... Why? I don't know. Now, let's have a morbid moment of merriment while I shoot these sliders." He looked at Maggie who grinned at him. The pain in his neck returned. 

Suddenly, the door was broken down by a dozen snakes with a battering ram and, within moments they had freed the sliders, strangled Hunky to death, freed the female triader, and fixed the electricity. 

"That's still not proof enough that the triaders are intelligent," Chicka mumbled as she watched the two triaders slither out the front door as the other snakes threw rose petals on them. As Chicka turned to walk away, one of the pythons slapped a "spank me" sign on her back. 

A few minutes later... in broad daylight... Maggie and Wade are talking and preparing for the slide. 

"You think it's odd that it's daylight again?" Maggie asked. 

"That's because the sun came up, Maggie," Wade replied. 

"Oh, well I just wanted to say thank you." 

"For what?" 

"I'm not sure... but thanks to you, I've learned that I can't just hop in the sack with any piece of meat I see... I've learned the value of friendship and virtue. Thanks to you, I will become a better person." 

Wade stared at Maggie in disbelief. "Maggie... You didn't learn a friggin' thing! You slept with the bad guy, almost got us killed, and still dressed like a slut! I mean, look at what you're wearing! That is not a good ensemble to wear in the jungle!" 

"Still, I wanted to thank you," Maggie reasserted. 

Wade sighed and threw her hands up. "Fine! Okay! You're welcome!" 

"...and you know, if you ever want to try that _menage a troi_ thing, I'd be more than happy to..." 

Wade made a disgusted sound and walked away. 

Chicka and Quinn, in the meantime, were about to say good-bye. 

"I know this is going to sound hollow," Chicka sighed. "But I'm sorry for betraying you and making you carry that dangerous snake and almost getting you killed and stuff. I'm sorry." She paused and looked at Quinn's lower torso. "Can you forgive me?" 

"Sure," a shrill high pitched voice replied. 

Chicka DaWeek drove away and Quinn prepared to activate the wormhole. "You know," he said to Rembrandt. "I've learned a lot from today's episode. I learned that a hot chick is not enough to give up your friends for and that you should not listen to a shrill high pitched voice emanating from your crotch." 

"Say... Maggie looks like a hottie!" the shrill high-pitched voice suddenly blurted out. 

Quinn looked at Maggie. "Yes... Yes she does... Rembrandt? What have you learned?" 

"I learned that if I ever have the urge to watch this episode again, I should just rent _Anaconda_. Better special effects... more grotesque deaths... and Maggie gets even more naked." Rembrandt replied. "Wade, what have you learned?" 

"Maggie is a slut," she answered. 

"I see..." Rembrandt replied. "And what did you learn slut... er.. I mean, Maggie." 

"I have a lot of trouble with men. It seems that no matter what I do, I simply can't find a good man." 

"That's one thing we have in common, Maggie," Quinn said. "Uhh... I mean... I can't seem to find a good woman." 

Wade stomped her foot in the background. Quinn and Maggie ignored her. Somewhere, a brainless FOX writer was penning "This Slide of Paradise". 

The timer soon beeped and the sliders slid away. Meanwhile, we see that Chicka DaWeek has been captured by the snakes and taken to a village of snakes. 

"So you see," the high judge snake said. "We snakes have evolved into a dominate species more than your primitive human mind can comprehend." 

The snakes wrapped themselves around her and began to take her away to snake jail. 

Chicka screamed as they took her away. "Get your paws off me you damn dirty snakes!" 

THE END 

Sliders won't be seen next week, so we may bring you a special presentation of the FOX movie of the week, the story of the ill-fated seagoing behemoth... _Valdez_! Join the young star crossed lovers Jauques and Rosey! (Played by Leonardo DeCamprio and Kate Winsore) 

**Rosey:** Don't you understand!? The boat's run aground and the oil's leaking! Half the otters in this bay are going to die!   
**Jauques:** What are you saying!?   
**Rosey:** Don't you understand!? The boat's run aground and the oil's leaking! Half the otters in this bay are going to die!   
**Jauques:** What are you saying!?   
**Rosey:** Don't you understand!? The boat's run aground and the oil's leaking! Half the otters in this bay are going to die!   
**Jauques:** What are you saying!?

Join us next time as I use my powers of parodization on the episode: "Dinoslide"!


End file.
